Second Break

I'm sitting in the yard of an Airbnb near Nazaré, Portugal, soaking up the sun. It's been 47 days since my last day at work, 9 days since my official resignation date, and 5 days into this trip. A peaceful morning.

When I meet new people and talk about my career, one of my go-to stories is about the year and a half I spent in New Zealand after leaving my first job. I'd been there for 6 years as a junior who grew into the role, gained recognition, and was genuinely happy with my work. Then I just stopped and left for New Zealand. I didn't have a clear plan to switch jobs or start a business, which must have been frustrating for friends trying to talk me out of it and managers conducting my exit interview. I was quitting but had nothing else I wanted to do at the company. I wasn't moving to another job but hadn't figured out what came next. That's exactly how it was. And 10 years later, when I left my recent job, my thinking wasn't much different. No clear plan for what to do next, just this feeling that I couldn't keep going and needed to stop.

What is this fear that hasn't gone away in 10 years, this thing that makes me stop? When I look at myself, the keywords are lack of self-direction and lack of confidence. When I try to move forward without these two things, my defense mechanisms kick in and I start this internal diagnosis. The diagnosis is just me asking, "What should I do next?" But there's no answer to that question, which makes me anxious. When it continues, fear creeps in. Both self-direction and confidence have the character 自 (self) in them, so I keep thinking the answer must come from within, not from outside. I keep asking myself the same questions until I'm exhausted. But over time, I've learned that for me at least, self-direction and confidence don't really come from my will alone. They come more from my environment, from communication with others, and from the validation I get from those interactions. I'm not talking about seeking approval from others. I'm talking about what actually drives me forward. So at some point, I stopped trying to change myself and decided to change my situation instead. That's how I ended up taking this break.

10 years ago, being single made this kind of decision easy. I didn't need to convince anyone. But now things are different. I met and married someone I love, and we have a dog who only knows the two of us. Career-wise, I've moved from embedded software engineering to data roles, gained leadership experience, and taken on more responsibility. It could have been harder to make the same decision, but thanks to my wife who completely understands and supports me, we're actually taking this break together. Standing still in front of an uncertain future, being present, actively forgetting the past, and emptying ourselves out.

Living in New Zealand taught me two things:

1. The fear of having no income is bigger than you'd expect.
2. The fear of having nothing to pour your time into also hits fast.

For the first one, the income thing, I still have no plan or backup. We just have to cut back and be careful with spending. While preparing for this Portugal trip after quitting, the most common question we got was whether we'd achieved financial freedom. Every time, I can't give them the answer they're hoping for. It would be nice to enthusiastically explain how we worked hard, saved up, and now we're here enjoying life without money worries. But right now, all I can say is, "Haha, yeah, we're not quite there. Bit of a problem, actually."

For the second one, the fear of having nothing to do comes from questioning my usefulness and purpose. When I had a job, work satisfied those needs. When the job disappeared, that energy lost its direction and I felt lost. In New Zealand, I ended up starting a master's program and working remotely for a Korean company, which gave me something to focus on. This time, I think I'm more prepared. I've learned to enjoy empty time more than before. I've been doing CrossFit for years, so when I wake up in the morning, I can at least set a goal for the day through exercise and create a small sense of achievement for myself.

When I tell people about New Zealand, I usually wrap it up by saying, "That experience let me switch careers, and the people I met and things I experienced there opened doors I couldn't have reached otherwise." I hope this trip will be another good opportunity to rest well, empty out, fill up with new experiences, and move forward with energy for the next 10 years.